I feel kind of weird saying this (the reasons why are a whole different post), but: I'm feeling pretty body-positive these days. Perhaps it's partly that I'm recovering, and I'm very keen on the fact that I can do things like walk, and stand up, and lie on my stomach. And have sex. But I was getting into the shower today and looked at myself in the mirror and felt pretty cute. Okay, better than pretty cute. Totally did a couple of cheesecake poses in the mirror. Totally thought (for just a second!) about becoming an internet alt-porn fat pinup girl.
Yes, there are things I don't like about my body. Things I hate about it. Things I would consider fixing with plastic surgery (especially considering how well my gallbladder scars are healing! I am so excited that I scar well!). Interestingly, most of these things have to do with the effects not of being fat, but of weight fluctuation, being thinner than I used to be, losing and gaining weight repeatedly and quickly—stretched skin that leaves me baggy in places I totally do not want to be baggy.
There really are people who think if you are fat, you are ugly. I am not one of those people. I may have been at some point, but I definitely am not now. There are so many more important factors in beauty. Bone structure and proportion and the skills of presentation. And there are people who believe in the "pretty face," who can deal with your face but not your body if you are fat. I have been one of those people. I am not one of those people any more.
Honest-to-God, I loved my body in the mirror today. Squashy and baggy and cellulitic, porous and hair-dotted, smooth and pale and curved and cute as hell. I loved my body like the my-mom's-a-hippie puberty guides tell you you're supposed to. For a few minutes. It was great. This is so, so new. I cannot even tell you.
More and more and more, I think, Okay, I could do this. Fat my whole life? Cool. It would mean never being the girl I was supposed to be. But think of the girl I could be instead! She's pretty fantastic. She's tough and straight-talking and fascinating, she's funny, she's smart and thoughtful. She is not an ingenue, but she is pretty fantastic.
Also, if she would get her ass to the gym, she would be smoking hot. I should probably talk her out of plastic surgery, though, right?
P.S. I do not get all the credit for feeling super-cute. I put up a picture in a fatshionista thread and got several truly lovely compliments from several truly lovely (& fashionable!) women. That helped. Credit where it's due.
I am thinking about the following two things: intersections of fat and class (pursuant to discussions on fatshionista; the weirdness of fad diets that DENY YOU CARROTS, because WHAT THE FUCK? Those posts are coming. Long overdue, though they won't be definitive. Also about opening an IRA, but that has nothing to do with fat.