...and, I'm diet-googling.
This is legible behavior. This is "let's make a reason for it to be good not to have someone checking on you." This is "let's get a hit of that single-minded drive." This is "let's find a new standard, a new way to know that things are going okay."
When I was younger, I expected being able to interpret my own behavior to be the thing that made that behavior resolve. I have been in therapy long enough to know that this is not the case. I cannot change my behavior by knowing where it comes from or where it means. Interpretation does help: it lets me drive a wedge between my thinking and my behavior. It gives me space to reconsider and insulate that behavior from my destructive thought patterns. But my behavior? I can only change it by changing it. Here, this means that I practice self-care. I get enough sleep. I get enough food. I tell my boyfriend I love him. I tell my father I do not have time to see him tomorrow. If I can't get pages together by tomorrow afternoon, I tell my writing group I need to bump back to next week. I get to the gym tomorrow evening, and then to my co-op for groceries.
And I remind myself that the solution to this problem is not ketosis. (It's not.)